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Prologue

"In order to avoid confusion and lengthy, tiresome exposition, please accept these facts..."
Mother

"Dating a Mother is somewhat akin to dating a cat owner...though a child will eventually learn to open its own cans of food...[However,] a cat never needs a ride to soccer practice."

NAMEDROPPINGS

There's nothing scandalous here. They're just mentioned in the book. I haven't met them all, but I've met more than listed here. They're just not mentioned in the book. I once met the actor O.J. Simpson, but that story's not here. And my apartment was once occupied by Rebecca DeMornay (and frequented by Tom Cruise). But that's not a story; it's a sentence. Such is the dubious price of fame.

These celebrities may or may not have touched my life. But apart from a handshake, none of them have yet touched me physically.

Ann-MargretThe next summer was all about Ann-Margret in Bye Bye Birdie. One minute at each end of the film, when she sang the title song in a form-fitting yellow dress, which ruffled with her red hair in a light breeze. A puberty-defining moment. - Louis ArmstrongOne night we were at Sardi's, where diners included Jacqueline Susann and Louis Armstrong. - Fontella Bass I was on a trip like this one day, surfing the 18 preset radio stations, when I heard "Rescue Me" by Fontella Bass. And though it was a hit in 1965, it reminded me of 1980, Frank Sinatra and a summer time when the livin' was easy. Except for the bomb. - The Beach Boys I started hitchhiking north, hoping to get a ride from either Kim Novak or one of the Beach Boys, as they were said to live in the vicinity. - The Beatles The Playboy Interview was the Beatles. So I really did read that article. - Jack Benny But it didn't take more than five minutes before Mr. Benny had made [the room] his. A word; a look; perfectly timed. Convulsing the audience. - Edd "Kookie" Byrnes Every once in a while, I'd get to go to the studio, and because I was "Helen's son," I got to go on sets. And I met stars, like Robert Conrad from Hawaiian Eye; Clint Walker from Cheyenne; and I met Edd "Kookie" Byrnes from 77 Sunset Strip. - Glen Campbell The radio station did a remote broadcast, and Glen Campbell arrived in a boat, shorts and a beard. The boat had brought him from Harrah's "Star's House," the luxurious lakefront home where Mr. Harrah had once lived before making it the home-away-from-home for his headliner acts. - Diahann Carroll Part of the job included occasionally acting as chauffeur for various guests. In my time, I drove Englebert Humperdinck and his family; the Carpenters; Diahann Carroll; and luggage belonging to, as Hemingway so aptly said, the Great DiMaggio. We spoke. - Johnny Carson Johnny Carson played the High Sierra; Steve and Eydie; Buddy Hackett. Tiny Tim played the High Sierra. He was good, too. In the summers, the June Taylor Dancers were the house chorus line, until the fall when they'd return to Miami to do the Jackie Gleason show. - Page CavanaughMr. Cavanaugh had salt-and-pepper hair neatly unkempt in a jazz musician-y way, a warm smile and a twinkle in his eyes as he told us stories, about traveling the country and working with people like Peggy Lee; Doris Day; Frank Sinatra; and Mel Torme. - Petula ClarkFor our second date, I asked Janine to the High Sierra Theater to see Petula Clark. The dinner show, of course. - Robert Conrad Every once in a while, I'd get to go to the studio, and because I was "Helen's son," I got to go on sets. And I met stars, like Robert Conrad from Hawaiian Eye; Clint Walker from Cheyenne; and I met Edd "Kookie" Byrnes from 77 Sunset Strip. - Sammy Davis Jr. A showroom meant a production number with the Moro-Landis dancers, tall, beautifully long-legged smiling girls in lavish sequined costumes; an opening act; and a headliner. Real headliners. Sammy Davis Jr.; Red Skelton; Judy Garland; Mitzi Gaynor. - John Denver When he was at the height of his popularity, John Denver shared the South Shore Room stage with Frank Sinatra. It wasn't The Rat Pack, but it did make my little adopted home town the center of the entertainment universe for a week. - Joe DiMaggio Part of the job included occasionally acting as chauffeur for various guests. In my time, I drove Englebert Humperdinck and his family; the Carpenters; Diahann Carroll; and luggage belonging to, as Hemingway so aptly said, the Great DiMaggio. We spoke. - Phyllis Diller My mom worked in the sales department, so we were in the audience the night they opened their showroom, the High Sierra Theater. The Osmond Brothers, pre-Donny, opened for Phyllis Diller. - Shelley FabaresSure, I'd been smitten before: Shelley Fabares, Annette Funicello and Elinor Donahue; and of course there had been Hayley Mills. - Annette Funicello I was 17 and living at home with my mother when I met the first woman I wanted to marry who wasn't my first-grade teacher or Annette Funnicello. - Judy Garland A showroom meant a production number with the Moro-Landis dancers, tall, beautifully long-legged smiling girls in lavish sequined costumes; an opening act; and a headliner. Real headliners. Sammy Davis Jr.; Red Skelton; Judy Garland; Mitzi Gaynor. - James Garner Inside was a picture of Bret Maverick. And on it was written, "To Steven, Eat your vegetables and mind your mommy. Your pal, Jim Garner." - George Gobel During my Room Service Waiter career, I took a turkey sandwich and a scotch and water to George Gobel; a bottle of Chivas Regal to Jackie Wilson; and a six-pack of Coors on ice to Boots Randolph. Trust me, kids, they were all very big. - Cortez Greer Cortez Greer and The Mob were consummate, high-energy lounge acts. When you saw them, they let you know that there was absolutely no cooler, hipper or hotter place to be, even at five in the morning; or maybe especially at five in the morning. - Andy Griffith Two weeks at a time, all year-round. Just like Vegas. Andy Griffith had a nightclub act. People planned their summer vacations around Lawrence Welk's appearances every June. Liberace once brought an opening act he called his "discovery," a singer named Barbra Streisand. - Tuff Hedeman In 1998, The Nashville Network sent me a tape of their biography series. It was called The Life and Times of... and the subject was a guy named Tuff Hedeman. The press release said he was "the Michael Jordan of professional bull riding." Professional what? - Hugh Hefner But when Page Cavanaugh sang "Summer Wind" to me and my ephemeral soul mate, I felt like I was everything Hugh Hefner ever wanted me to be. - Jennifer Love HewittNursing Student Tami is even better looking in person. The best parts of Julia Roberts and Jennifer Love Hewitt, wearing not a nurse's uniform, but a flowery blue-green summer dress and the toothpaste-commercial smile. - Felicity Huffman [Sports Night] opened with Felicity Huffman as a TV producer, who was in her office wearing a leather halter top and form-fitting pants...When [I said] "Whoa!," The Other Party turned to me, glared for five seconds...stormed into the bedroom and slammed the door. - Englebert Humperdinck Part of the job included occasionally acting as chauffeur for various guests. In my time, I drove Englebert Humperdinck and his family; the Carpenters; Diahann Carroll; and luggage belonging to, as Hemingway so aptly said, the Great DiMaggio. We spoke. - Michael Jackson My mom and I were in L.A. en route to her dropping me off for my senior year in boarding school in the Santa Ynez Valley, directly across the road from what is now (or was?) Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. - Danny Kaye I checked "friend," and that made it possible for me to take Layne to a Danny Kaye dinner show. Layne was my first-ever date with visible cleavage. - Jay Leno "What part of L.A.?" Tracy asked. "West Hollywood, but I'm straight." Sometimes [people]have no idea what I'm talking about. Then I explain...that it's a popular topic in Jay Leno monologues. - Jerry Lewis I saw him, The Nutty Professor, live, in front of my very own young and highly impressionable eyes, putting the room in stitches. - John Lindsay I took three twenty-dollar bills, and I hitchhiked to New York City, where I met Mayor John Lindsay and saw the movie Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. But not at the same time. - Little Anthony and the Imperials The Juniper Lounge was like a small theater, with a bank of bartenders in back cranking out two-drink minimums for 250 or so hearty to party with the likes of Bill Medley, the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band or Little Anthony and the Imperials. - Felice Mancini I lived in Centennial Hall -- as did Henry Mancini's daughter Felice -- and I worked for the food service in Centennial Towers. So I met a lot girls, but not Felice Mancini. - Hayley Mills Sure, I'd been smitten before: Shelley Fabares, Annette Funicello and Elinor Donahue; and of course there had been Hayley Mills. - Rita Moreno Anita was the answer in a sexy game of Clue: Rita Moreno; in a black slip; putting on stockings. I was only 11, and I didn't know all the reasons why, but I intuitively knew this was a good thing. - Henry Morgan If you're under, oh, 45 or 50, chances are you don't even know who Henry Morgan was. But his passing is meaningful, both in a real and a symbolic sense. For Morgan was among a handful of ground-breaking broadcast satirists, a man who helped turn wit into the big-time entertainment form it is today. - Wayne Newton Wayne Newton sang; danced; told jokes; did impressions; played the guitar, trumpet, fiddle and drums. When he closed...the audience went insane. I had my first experience with what it meant to have a room buzz, to see a crowd electrified. - Kim Novak I started hitchhiking north, hoping to get a ride from either Kim Novak or one of the Beach Boys, as they were said to live in the vicinity. - The Osmond Brothers My mom worked in the sales department, so we were in the audience the night they opened their showroom, the High Sierra Theater. The Osmond Brothers, pre-Donny, opened for Phyllis Diller. - Elvis Presley On July 20, 1971, Elvis made his "northern Nevada debut" in the High Sierra Theater. Elvis...was in the building! The casino ceiling was draped with cardboard placards proclaiming the "Elvis Summer Festival." - Nelson Rockefeller When it broke that Nelson Rockefeller had died allegedly while in flagrante delicto, his suspected correspondent became our stock stump answer. - Carly Simon When I was driving home, this Carly Simon song came on, full of passion and emotion and sensuality. And I thought, "Yes! This is me! I am in love! With...Mother." In the end, I think I was probably in love with Carly Simon. - O.J. Simpson When [Henry Morgan] died in the spring of 1994, TV Guide commentator Harry Stein wrote an appreciation that was pulled at the last minute for a piece on the O.J. Simpson slow chase and its airing simultaneously with an NBA playoff game. - Frank Sinatra When he was at the height of his popularity, John Denver shared the South Shore Room stage with Frank Sinatra. It wasn't The Rat Pack, but it did make my little adopted home town the center of the entertainment universe for a week. - Red Skelton A showroom meant a production number with the Moro-Landis dancers, tall, beautifully long-legged smiling girls in lavish sequined costumes; an opening act; and a headliner. Real headliners. Sammy Davis Jr.; Red Skelton; Judy Garland; Mitzi Gaynor. - Steve & Eydie Johnny Carson played the High Sierra; Steve and Eydie; Buddy Hackett. Tiny Tim played the High Sierra. He was good, too. In the summers, the June Taylor Dancers were the house chorus line, until the fall when they'd return to Miami to do the Jackie Gleason show. - Barbra Streisand Two weeks at a time, all year-round. Just like Vegas. Andy Griffith had a nightclub act. People planned their summer vacations around Lawrence Welk's appearances every June. Liberace once brought an opening act he called his "discovery," a singer named Barbra Streisand. - Elizabeth Taylor I made the drunken phone call and told her she looked like Elizabeth Taylor, which was not entirely true. Tracy was much prettier. - George Thorogood "What about now?" she asks. Well, let's see: after three hours of George Thorogood and ZZ Top, joints before and after the show, beers during the show, six hours of "free" scotch-and-waters at the poker table and the requisite ninety minutes of sleep...not to mention having been stood up five times...Sure! - Tiny Tim Johnny Carson played the High Sierra; Steve and Eydie; Buddy Hackett. Tiny Tim played the High Sierra. He was good, too. In the summers, the June Taylor Dancers were the house chorus line, until the fall when they'd return to Miami to do the Jackie Gleason show. - Clint Walker Every once in a while, I'd get to go to the studio, and because I was "Helen's son," I got to go on sets. And I met stars, like Robert Conrad from Hawaiian Eye; Clint Walker from Cheyenne; and I met Edd "Kookie" Byrnes from 77 Sunset Strip - Barbara Walters [Henry Morgan] once dated Barbara Walters, and kept company for a lengthy time with Carly Simon's sister Joanna, who sang with the Metropolitan Opera. - Lawrence Welk Two weeks at a time, all year-round. Just like Vegas. Andy Griffith had a nightclub act. People planned their summer vacations around Lawrence Welk's appearances every June. Liberace once brought an opening act he called his "discovery," a singer named Barbra Streisand. - Natalie Wood Natalie Wood was the best thing since Diane Dickerman turned upside down on the monkey bars and let me see her underwear in first grade. - Efrem Zimbalist Jr.I had my 77 Sunset Strip lunchbox; took out my Efrem Zimbalist Jr. thermos; poured a cup of Bosco; looked deep into her eyes and said, "Connie, that's a lovely dress you're wearing."

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